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Where Am I Going?

May. 4th, 2008 | 06:35 pm

Lately life has been nothing but an intense emotional roller coaster ride that has seen some of my darkest times and some of the best times. I've been fighting rebellious urges off day after day but keep finding myself making the wrong choices. Choices. Life is about making choices. That's what I've always believed. Up until these last few years I felt like I had made all the right choices in life. But once I hit high school my entire world was flipped upside down, my entire concept of life and reality had been changed, I faced challenges I never thought I'd have to deal with and I've overcome problems that I never would have imagined I'd face. Coming to that realization that the feelings I'd been having my whole life were never going to go away, and in fact, were just going to get stronger as I got older...that was one of the toughest moments of my life. Accepting my sexuality, accepting myself for who I am, and accepting my mistakes in life was so incredibly hard that I can't even put into words what a difficult time I went through, am still going through, emotionally. Mistakes are something we all make. We're human. Nobody's perfect, no matter how much they may look, act, or talk like it. I've made so many mistakes this year that have sent me flying down a path towards depression, failure, and maybe even death if I don't get my act together. School is one of the biggest things I've let down, and I think that's because the public school system let me down. Just in this past week I have really only gone to two classes, Acting and Choir. I am failing 3 classes because of attendance and if I don't get it together, I will soon be failing more than that. There's 4 weeks left of school and I have to work hard to make up for the months that I have slacked. I feel like school is less important though. I go and learn basically nothing about what I want to spend the rest of my life doing. I don't expect to make it as some huge Broadway actor, I'm just exaggerating when I say stuff like that. But theater is my calling. It is the one thing that, despite whatever else is going on in the world, can make me happy. I'm okay with not having billions of dollars, because I don't want to spend my life miserably doing something I hate. I have a plan for my life, and that is why I think am not scared about the future. The one thing I am looking forward to more than anything is for the chance to be out on my own to make my own choices. I know, some of the choices I have made thus far in life have not been the best, but I have at least learned from them and hopefully won't make the same mistake twice. I've gone down, hit bottom, jumped back up, only to fall down again...but eventually I will learn how fly.

Just something for all the friends that have been there with me through thick and thin, I love you guys so very much. If it weren't for you guys I wouldn't be alive. And in the words of Celine Dion:

You gave me strength when I was weak,
You were my voice when I couldn't speak,
You saw the best there was in me,
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach,
You gave me faith cause you believe,
I'm everything I am,
Because you loved me.

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May. 1st, 2008 | 11:11 pm

“The cold brisk air fills chilled lungs with darkness,
While the two boys’ hearts beat so corrupted.
Standing under heavens twinkling angels,
Their eyes meet sparkling wondering, also,
The secret thinking of the other child.
A sin to damn them both to Dante’s hell,
Waits only for its moment to prevail.
Lust will overcome these two naïve boys,
And the night will take them as simple toys.”

Wishes have traced their way through history by being the inspiration for some of the greatest stories ever told by man. We are fascinated by genies, wishing wells, fountains, and anything at all that can make our dreams come true. There is one particular wishing superstition that was responsible for one of the greatest relationships I have ever been in.

Tick-Tock would usually be the sound of the clock, except for the fact that in this particular case the clock was digital. It was approaching that time of magic, that time where you could ask the night for anything you wanted and it would grant your wish. The small lights finally transformed into the time I had spent the day waiting for, 11:11PM. I closed my eyes and wished with all my heart for the only thing I have every wanted, “I wish for my prince charming. I wish for the man of my dreams to sweep me off my feet. I wish to be held. I wish to be loved.” When I opened my eyes again, the clock had moved on to 11:12 and the magic had disappeared. Now all I had to do was wait.

Sometime within the next few days, my wish had come true. The boy I had met just last week, the boy of my dreams, called my cell phone. He wanted me to go spend the evening at the park with him. I didn’t believe it was happening. Of course, he would never feel the same way about me as I felt about him.

When we got to the park and finally got out of his car there was a moment where we just stood in front of each other. His skinny jeans gripped his thin gymnast legs tightly fastened at the hips by an olive green belt with various colors of buttons sewn all across it. His flat black shirt fit perfectly to his thin waist. His face looked at me with a tender smile and as I stared back into his jade eyes I knew that there was something between us.

We walked up to the water and stood watching the October sun reflect back into our eyes. The water shimmered like gold, undisturbed by the geese which were preparing for the long trip South. It was silent for a long time before he finally commented on the beauty of nature. I smiled at his comment and replied with the first thing that came to my head, “It’s almost as beautiful as you.” He laughed.

Once we departed from the pond we made our way over to a picnic table. I sat down on the chair part facing the boy of my dreams while he remained a rebel and sat on the table itself. We talked about our friends, and our hobbies, our past relationships and hopes for the future. We were in the moment when he looked me in the eyes again with the smile sweeter than sugar. He told me to give him my hand and close my eyes.

When he was holding my hand for the first time the butterflies in my stomach were fluttering as though they just heard a gun shot. His hand was soft like silk, smooth, and yet still had that slight amount of roughness that told me he could protect me. He began to rub the palm of my hand with his thumbs. It was a strange feeling at first, like he was trying to tickle me, but after a few moments it became relaxing. When he was done massaging my hands he showed me a ticklish spot behind my ears that he thought was funny.

He found any excuse he could to touch me. Not inappropriately, of course. I could tell he had much more respect for me than to try anything like that this soon.

One of the best parts about that night was watching the looks on peoples’ faces when they walked by. We were two boys tickling each other, laughing, and rolling around in the cold grass together. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to realize we were quickly falling in love. Some people would point and laugh, some people would yell terrible things at us, and some people would just look away and try to pretend they didn’t see a thing. However, we didn’t care about the outside world. We were just there, together, being ourselves.

Eventually I got a phone call from my mother nagging me to get home and do my homework. It was just like her to ruin everything perfect in my life. But I knew that the connection I felt that night to the boy of my dreams was not over. There would be other dates, more good times, and who knows, maybe even the relationship I have always wanted.

He drove me home and parked in front of my house. As with the end of all dates there was that five seconds of awkwardness that always drags out to seem like an hour. Finally he spoke. “I had a really great time tonight.” It was in this moment where I was at a peak of happiness in my life. Never had I ever felt that happy before and I still haven’t since then. He leaned across his center console and gave me the most memorable kiss of my life.

I didn’t want to go. I never wanted to let him go. My wish had come true though. Because of a silly superstition, I had the best date of my lifetime with the boy of my dreams. That one tiny wish led to two of the best months in my life. Even though things didn’t work out in the end for us, I will never forget that day my prince charming swept me off my feet. Needless to say, every night at 11:11PM, I make a wish. I have yet to have one not come true.

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IDK Who You Are

Apr. 22nd, 2008 | 07:01 am

"i was recently reading about a guy u met in kimball, nebraska... its so romantic. even tho ur the same sex. i have nothing against it but i have to ask are you still together? respond through LJ please!! thank you, curious yet beautiful

p.s ur brave and thats good not many people can be as honest as you... =)"


I have no idea who wrote this, but you wrote it in my truth box on myspace. So, I guess I'm responding through LJ like you asked. As for the guy I met in Kimball, no, we aren't still together. I can't handle a long distance relationship right now. But who knows, maybe there's something for me and him in my future. All I know was that it wasn't working for me right now. Doesn't mean I still don't like him and regret breaking up with him every day, but you know, sometimes its for the best.

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Finally Alive...

Apr. 19th, 2008 | 11:01 am

I finally feel like I'm alive.
I'm out making friends, being with the people I love, and having a fucking blast!
Starving Artist...That's a title I'm okay with,
Because you know what...
The other "starving artists" are awesome.
So pour me another shot and LETS GET THIS PARTY STARTED!

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Apr. 14th, 2008 | 07:32 pm

Got bored, so I made my mom go get my hair cut.
I got the gayest thing I could think of...
Pictures Will Show Up When You Click HereCollapse )

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Dear Gabi...

Apr. 12th, 2008 | 07:39 pm

Because you didn't allow comments on your last post.

A) Its obvious you care or you wouldn't have taken the time to write an LJ post about it.
B) When you don't use names when bitching people out over your LJ, they can apply to a lot of people. Most, if not all people, who read your last LJ post thought that Scottie was part of it. If you want to avoid confusion, then don't be so vague.
C) Don't bother approaching Scottie at school. I can tell you right now he doesn't care for a single word you have to say, and frankly, neither do the people he hangs out with. If you want him to stay the fuck out of your life then you need to stay the fuck out of his.

Thank you and goodnight.

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I've Never Been This Bare

Apr. 4th, 2008 | 10:08 pm

Have we come to the ending?
Or am I just dreaming?
The music is gone now, the silence is strange
Can you call back that moment
On that day in September October,
When we first shared that secret
And everything changed?
Can you know what you meant
To a soul that was searching?
Can you know that I'm sorry
For all I've undone?
And know that in my heart
You were the only one.

On that day in September October it was so unexpected,
The moment you kissed me, time seemed to freeze,
Now I stand at a crossroad and stare at the question,
If prayer were the answer I'd fall on my knees,
But forward is calling and I cannot stay here,
Nothing can change what you will always be,
An angel sent to hold my heart and set me free.



This version of this song just like sends me running through my past. It says so much that just...fits:

"The music is gone now, the silence is strange."
"Can you know what you meant to a soul that was searching?"
"Can you know that I'm sorry for all I've undone."
"On that day in October, it was so unexpected, The moment you kissed me and time seemed to freeze."
"Forward is calling and I cannot stay here."
"Nothing can change what you will always be, an angel sent to hold my heart and set me free."

GOD! FUCK! I'm crying right now. I know this is sorta a personal entry and probably really hard to understand for like 98% of you...but in all honesty I can't really describe in words how I feel right now. But you know...I don't think anybody even reads these anymore, so I guess every entry is a personal one.

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Apr. 2nd, 2008 | 11:30 pm

Brandon Soucie

Sweet lips meet, softly dancing,
It's all true love, never asking
Always loving, never hurting,
Together forever, Passion burning

Broken apart with broken bones,
Words screamed, harsh tones,
Last thing spoken, Last thing heard,
Last memory, Last word,
Evil laughter, raging HATE,
Born to die, such sad fate,
Burn in hell!
Tear drops, rain drops,
Blood drops, Heart stops,

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Once of these boys just ain't like the others!!

Mar. 26th, 2008 | 12:03 am

"Loves his female singers,
Loves to cook.
Looks around in gym,
It pleases him.
Thoughts enslave him,
Somebody save him!"


Holy Mary Mother of God it is SOO nice to FINALLY be involved in a show where people concentrate and actually listen to what the directors have to say! Tonight would be what I consider the first "real" rehearsal. We set out with a goal to block the first (and 2nd most complicated) scene of the show. I really like this show because its exactly what life would be if it were a musical. Its not the cheesy choreography where everybody breaks into the same dance in the middle of the street or something like in most musicals. The movements are real and believable actions that the characters would do. I love it. Anyways...We got all the way done blocking a six and a half minute complicated song in one rehearsal!! Granted, it wasn't the most complex choreography, it was still a large feat! Especially for just the first real rehearsal. And the people are so much easier to work with than the typical high school theater kid. When one of the directors says do something, THEY ACTUALLY DO IT! I know this sounds so simple, but seriously...be in a show at Loveland High and see just how many times a director will have to say something before it gets done right. The thing I'm loving about this cast too is when they come to rehearsal their heads are in the show, they get into character, and they just plain have fun with it! I know, especially with Guys & Dolls, that I would always dread having to goto rehearsals because the people just weren't any fun to be around. They were always complaining about how they had better things to do. That feeling of, "Damnit, I have rehearsal...>:(" has changed to, "HELL YEAH!! I have rehearsal tonight! :)"

So fuck YEAH!
This show is going to KICK SOME SERIOUS FUCKING ASS!
Buy tickets!!
Lots of them!!
As long as you don't want VIP (First 5 rows) you can get a student ticket for $15 before April 1st, $20 after April 1st. I PROMISE YOU THAT THIS IS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE BEST SHOWS YOU WILL EVER SEE IN YOUR LIFE!! And hey, its worth it to come see ME! =)
http://brokenlegproductions.org/ <= Buy Tickets Here

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If I ever leave this world alive...

Mar. 10th, 2008 | 11:52 pm

If I ever leave this world alive
I'll thank for all the things you did in my life
If I ever leave this world alive
I'll come back down and sit beside your
feet tonight
Wherever I am you'll always be
More than just a memory
If I ever leave this world alive

If I ever leave this world alive
I'll take on all the sadness
That I left behind
If I ever leave this world alive
The madness that you feel will soon subside
So in a word don't shed a tear
I'll be here when it all gets weird
If I ever leave this world alive

So when in doubt just call my name
Just before you go insane
If I ever leave this world
Hey I may never leave this world
But if I ever leave this world alive

She says I'm okay; I'm alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right

She says I'm okay; I'm alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right
Yeah should be alright

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